Jerking off in public places is frowned upon, just like ripping ass in an elevator. Examples of public places to jerk off can include, but are not limited to, the office, school, the gym, the grocery store, the library, and in an airplane. Since beating your meat in these places is not considered normal, and could result in social ostracism and even legal ramifications, HoeSalad has made a guide to help you get away with this dirty deed.
The most important thing to do when choking the chicken in a public area is to act completely normal. Acting normal is difficult when you are jerking the old gerkin, but it is crucial to make sure people do not notice any unusual behavior. Try to smile, but don’t be creepy. If smiling is not working, make it seem as if you are bored or uninterested in what is going on. Focusing intensely while nothing is going on is a red flag for people around you that you are jackin’ the hammer.
Now that you know you’re suppose to act normal while jerking it instead of making any unusual faces, you are going to need to know some techniques. The first, and easiest technique, is the tried and true “pocket pool” method.
The Pocket Pool Method:
Preperation time – less than one minute
Steps – cut hole in the inside of your pocket, the same way you would have a hole your loose change could fall through. Put hand in pocket and proceed to paddle the pickle.
Pros – easy, little preparation
Cons – hole in pants, crusty pants aftermath, slightly noticible, hole to lose keys through
A simimlar method to the pocket pool technique is the Brock Lesnar Hoodie Jerk. Developed by Brock Lesnar for use during working with a hoodie on, this method is an excellent addition to any public masturbaters repertoire.
The Brock Lesnar Hoodie Jerk
Preparation time – two minutes
Steps – Instead of cutting a hole in your pants pocket, you will be cutting a hole in you hoodie pocket. Hoodie pocket must me positioned over pants zipper. Wang goes through pants zipper into hoodie pocket and you are off to shining the pole.
Pros – Used by professional UFC fighter Brock Lesnar, inconspicuous, easy, little preparation
Cons – Change of hoodie needed, hoodie pocket may be more drafty in cold weather
Sometimes, a special occasion arises that you have to find a way to jerk it. For example, a crowded movie theater posses a problem, but not with using a popcorn bag!
Popcorn Bag Technique (PBT)
Preparation time – less than one minute
Steps – Poke a hole in your popcorn bag with your finger, place over dick, wack.
Pros – Easy to do, butter works as a lubricant
Cons – Butter is sticky, ruined popcorn, salt may irritate genitals
For the real professionals, leg gyration is used.
Preparation time – None, however practice is required
Steps – Move legs up and down to tickle penar
Pros – Requires only leg movement, no preparation
Cons – Looks weird to move legs in the manner required.
The final method we will talk about is the Tibetan Monk Mental Concentration Spiritual Connective Relaxation Exploration Experience Method. This method is used by Tibetan Monks, and ejaculation can be achieved by nothing but thought alone.
The Tibetan Monk Mental Concentration Spiritual Connective Relaxation Exploration Experience Method
Preparation time – A quiet place that is clear of distractions, soothing music is optional, many years of practice
Steps – Unknown to those outside of the Tibetan Monk monestary
Pros – Completely stealthy as no movement is required, the perfect technique
Cons – Years of practice to master
As you can see, public masturbation can be done. It is not easy, but with the right preparation and practice, it is doable. Remember, do not get caught because it is a disgrace to the art of public masturbation. Thrill seekers who jerk it in plain sight are not the artists we aspire to be. For the rest of you who are working dilligently to become masters at public masturbation, may the shwarts be with you.
-SteamyDeuce, Jerk Off Professional
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