After finally going out to see what is arguably the best film ever made – rivaling the works of many of the great French auteurs, Italian neorealists, and that Hitchcock guy – I definitely found something to hitch my cock on. If you want to exercise every emotion in your being in just around 2 hours, you need to see The Hangover Part II.
I don’t know where to begin, really. This movie is the ultimate cinematic dick that I indubitably sucked. There was something so reminiscent and nostalgic about it. It reminded me of the good times I’ve had with the bros of HoeSalad.com. Though advertised as a raunchy comedy, this movie hit me hard with a lot of drama. There was beer and bonding, and a very intuitive and loyal monkey.
The film's stars and a monkey.
Science has proven that all men like Asian bitches, and if you don’t, you’re a pussy. The Hangover Part II was set in Bangkok, which is hilarious. Anyway, Bangkok is in the cunitnent of Asia, so I was very pleased to see an abundance of Asian babes. The character of Stu was engaged to marry a really hot Asian chick, but her dad didn’t really improve and called him mushy rice or something. This was a sign of bad writing to me, because Asians like rice. I couldn’t tell if this guy was being sarcastic.
Jamie Chung, the Asian goddess who played Stu's girlfriend.
If you don’t remember who Stu is, he is a pussy ass dentist and bad things always happen to him for a reason: because he is a dentist. Shit happens to dentists all the time and they deserve it. The last time I went to the dentist, he kept asking me if I golfed while he had all his tools and shit in my mouth. I physically couldn’t answer him, and it pissed me off. Besides, golf isn’t a sport, it’s a fashion.
Stu, a pussy dentist.
Anyways, so there are really hot Asians all around the three main guys in the movie, played by Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and the late Ryan Dunn. The standout character was the fat and dumb one, for obvious reasons: he was fat and dumb. However, the standout performance goes to Bradley Cooper. I pride myself as a staunch hetero, but Bradley Cooper is one of the few men I would go gay for. He has very striking eyes, a toned body that would be a great asset to my Fourth of July touch football team, and he got shot in The Hangover Part II and lived.
Bradley Cooper looking good.
If you don’t mind spoilers, and if you’ve seen the first one, bad things happen to the main characters again! I couldn’t believe it! I have to commend the writers and director Todd Phillips for throwing me this curveball. I had originally attended the film with the intention of ripping it open from the labia up for being just a boring wedding movie, but I was soon proven wrong. I felt very nervous for the three bros and their two Asian accomplices, even that flamboyant Chow fuck. I felt for Stu when he found out he actually banged cock in Bangkok. That’s right: he had sex with a man-lady!
A common example of a man-lady. Gross!
Additionally, I have not seen such a hard-hitting commentary on the negative effects of cocaine since Blow or even Scarface. And not to mention, I learned that any country outside America is filthy, disgusting, and scary. In all truth, The Hangover Part II should be released under licensing by Nova, because I found it very realistic and educational.
I couldn’t really find a lot to be mad about in this movie, especially by the end, when they showed all the pictures of the naked hookers and such. Overall, I can always rely on The Hangover franchise for giving me a nice naked hooker cherry on top of the cum sundae that is the whole movie. I also liked the way Bradley Cooper was smiling at the end.
If you have a penis, you should see The Hangover Part II. It’s filled with a lot of good man memories for you and your bros, and if you go to see it in a drive-in theater, you can jerk it all you want to all the sexy Asian girls without other people yelling at you, as long as you have boss tinted windows.
I award The Hangover Part II four rotten croutons out of four, which means it’s a masterpiece.
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