Movie Review: X-Men: First Class

A friend of mine said to me this past weekend, “FlickDick, you are a movie expert. Will you come enjoy a viewing of The Green Lantern with me this evening?” My answer to him was clearly a “no,” because The Green Lantern is the worst superhero since Aqua Man. Instead of giving my bro a blowie by wasting my hard-earned shillings on Ryan Reynolds in a tight green suit, I offered a suggestion: “Let’s go see X-Men: First Class.” So we jumped in his Suburban, smuggled in a sick pack of Keystone and some Peeps, and got hard for a blue chick.

Said blue chick. Rated 8/10. Thoughts?

Now, I don’t know much about comic books, because I don’t read anything. Even though most comic books are pictures, they still seem complex to me, and from what I understand, there are no centerfolds.  I mean, I hate having to keep up with a certain series.  The idea is almost parallel to all the bitches I banged in high school.  Once I had graduated high school, they were dead to me. No emotional followings.

That being said, when my friend told me that these X-Men characters were part of a comic book series, I thought, fuck, why can’t superheroes just be ideas for people to exploit in their movies and shit?  I feared that if I really liked X-Men: First Class, which was a prequel, I would actually feel motivation to read the comic books to see what happens next.  Apparently there are other X-Men movies out, but I try to avoid those because Patrick Stewart puts me to sleep.

For what it was, though, I liked it. The aforementioned blue chick is this bitch named Mystique who has a long, weird relationship with the main guy, Professor X. They totally had kid sex and I know it, but that’s it, because they seemed like brother and sister after, so what right did she have to totally cockblock him at the bar?  I hated that scene.  She was just an insecure blue bitch that needed some.

The face you should make at someone when they cockblock you, demonstrated here by Professor X himself.

Though I admit that I fantasized about Mystique in the theater, the two hotter women were this bitch that could turn into diamonds played by the cum-worthy January Jones, and a young stripper with wings.  The stripper’s name was Angel, and she was played by Zoe Kravitz, who is by default a nympho freak I’d like to meet because her dad is that afro-jew sex guitar fuck Lenny Kravitz. At the beginning of the film, when these mutants formed some sort of coalition, Angel went to the dark side with Kevin Bacon, January Jones, and their crew and then the funny black guy died.  I was quite disappointed here, because it wasn’t a very original plot point.  The black guy always dies first.  I wanted some boundaries to be knocked up by these X-Men bros.

Zoe Kravitz played a stripper but I wish she were one for real.

The two most hardass characters to me were definitely Magneto and this total freak of nature Azazel. Magneto was just a really pissed off Jew who could move metal when he was mad. He got it on with Mystique and was all about brotherhood or something. Overall, just a solid dude, and I bet his dick is huge.

Magneto getting pissed.

But this Azazel motherfucker was crazy. He looked like Satan and was even better than Satan at mixed martial arts. By the end of the movie, Azazel had killed most of the national officials that tried to infringe on what these mutated bros and hoes were doing.  He basically just teleported everywhere, and I bet he teleports to your girlfriend’s pussy all the time when you’re not looking because he’s smart and stealthy like that.

Azazel, a true bro.

Overall, X-Men: First Class was a riveting exercise in public masturbation. I choked the bishop to many exotic, mutated females, and I didn’t even feel weird about it. What made the movie better? Every time I blew my load, there was some loud noise, explosion, or epic action sequence that really lined up well with it. As a man, I love loud noises, explosions, and epic action sequences, so the orgasms always came at the best times. My props to whoever edited the film. He deserves a pat on the back and a nice HJ from his lady friend for this reason.

The cast of X-Men: First Class was a good one.  January Jones had a great rack, even when she was in diamond form (talk about nipping out!).  To no surprise, Kevin Bacon’s performance as the villain was greasy and delicious.

January Jones. Need I say more?

There was even a ginger kid starring as Banshee!  Congratulations to a ginger for going somewhere in his life.  And as a plus, I relived my childhood like a sensitive and sentimental pussy when I saw that Cookie Monster had a brief appearance towards the end of the film.

Cookie Monster as "Beast."

As a whole, X-Men: First Class had a lot of great slam pieces in it (Zoe Kravitz and January Jones were phenomenal), and the mutant bros were great, too. I really wanted to chill with them. As noted before, the action sequences were literally orgasmic and all a man needs on a Saturday night.

Whether or not you are familiar with the X-Men (many of my bros mistook this film to actually be a big-screen release of the thrilling documentary about male porn stars, XXX Men: Thirst for Ass), you should pay your money to see this movie if you have balls at all. It isn’t perfect, but it shouldn’t disappoint your testosterone levels.

I give X-Men: First Class three and a half rotten croutons out of four, and anticipate the Nc-17 Director’s Cut with mutant titties.

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