Because HoeSalad.com is a foundation of quality humans who want you to live the best life imaginable, we want you to know how to deal with those who put you down. Back when you were a sprightly little shit, your dad probably taught you these ideas through contact sports. While being tackled and getting back up is a more than decent model, it’s been proven that deep down inside your pectorals lies a heart, and you’ve got feelings.
That’s right. It may be shocking, but all people have emotions. While females tend to have far too many emotions, bros have just enough. We call some other men pussies when really we are all pussies; some of us are just pussies armored extremely well by ripped muscle and steel.
While we often have normal, subconscious pussy feelings, the idea is to not show your pussy attacker that you are a pussy. If you can show them you’re not, a little bit of your inner pussy wilts and makes more room for titanium alloy defenses.
As a somewhat unorthodox film critic, I am criticized every day. Though my writing style for HoeSalad has been revered as fearless, society doesn’t really accept me as a member of the media, and sometimes I get pussy feelings about that. However, I know I am stronger than to wear those soggy pussy feelings on my sleeve.
So, after learning on my own how to combat judgmental assmonkeys who criticize me, I decided that it’s time to get serious with you, the target audience of HoeSalad.com. The following defensive methods have worked extremely well for me, successfully harboring my pussy feelings and making me more of a man. I can only hope they will do the same for you.
Method 1: The Badass Hyena Method
When someone criticizes you or anything you may have accomplished, call them a hater, laugh at them like a badass hyena, and walk away. This will confuse most haters, because they tend to expect a fight after they take a verbal piss on you. Though paradoxical in nature (considering most haters are not jacked like you but still want to fight you even though they will lose), you have to learn to mock this strange logic of theirs by laughing in their fat faces and bailing.
Method Origin: the philosophy of the Badass Hyena Defensive Method is inspired by the lifestyle of the hyena. Hyenas are the only animals that laugh. Some people think hyenas are dumbass pussies and nothing more than comic relief (as they are portrayed in The Lion King, for instance), but hyenas are secretly badass. Why? Hyenas are scavengers. They roam around and eat the shit out of dead things. If a hater hates on you, you become the hyena by first laughing at him and walking away, and later totally destroying his reputation and spitting on his grave when he’s dead.
Pros: not wasting a fight on pussy ass haters; total closure and satisfaction when they’re dead; ruining them when they can’t do anything about it later.
Cons: you may die before the hater, because only the good die young.
Method 2: The Acceptance Method
If someone calls you a name or accuses you of being something you’re not, you can throw them off by just accepting what they tell you and spitting it right back at them. This is my favorite method, as I am an extremely clever cuntrag, and naturally more stubborn than a Nazi. I’ve learned the art of this defense when the criticism has hit me hard in fluxes. Other online newspapers and magazines have branded what I write as “Deviant journalism!” and “Uneducated and overly-biased ramblings.” Some high-brow film critics have even dismissed my work as “The real cancer on distinguished professionals like Ebert.” You know what I said to all that? I said, “Yes, I agree, and thanks for reading.” Some pussy on the street yesterday called me a “misogynist,” so I bit back at his criticism and said, “Yeah, I am pretty good, and maybe you should give me a call sometime because you seem like you could use a massage, brah.” My little shitspit cousin even called me a “tool” the other day, so then I helped her change a tire on her Barbie RV. That showed her that yes, I am a good tool. Bitch.
Method Origin: “acceptance” is a stage and/or phase in a lot of bullshit systems out there, but this is where it really belongs. Real men have the testes to agree with whatever haters tell them, just to confuse their tiny brains and pussy rage complexes. With acceptance can also come wordplay, which is fucking awesome. I’ve been twisting words like titties since the first day I joined the fifth grade independent newspaper known only as PEN15.
Pros: confuses haters, often causing them to self-destruct; flexes your intelligence and overall ego; makes you “the bigger person,” which sounds cool.
Cons: some may think you are delusional due to the fact that you’re accepting your criticism; accepting criticism that isn’t constructive could be destructive.
Method 3: The Proud Pussy Expression Method
When things got tough for Bob Dylan, I’m pretty sure he just got really high and wrote a bitchload of songs about it. He didn’t want other people criticizing him or all his music, so he just said “fuck it” and gave in to some of his natural pussy feelings by putting them right out there. If you can do this, you have earned the strange but nonetheless present respect of myself and all of HoeSalad.com. Sometimes the cure for pussy feelings is pride, because if you’re proud of being a pussy, and if you’ll metaphorically kick the shit out of haters who question that… well, in some weird way, you become less of a pussy. It always helps to express this often cutting pride through some sort of artistic medium. Think of this method as the Acceptance Method set to music or some shit.
Method Origin: though some trace this method back to some bogus feminist organization, that’s wrong. The only one who is right is me, and I say that this method is a good “oxymoronic” tool for sticking it to everyone who has criticized you. In the process, you may even get some actual pussy, considering most girls love a man who can express himself. Just make sure you look ripped while doing it, and you’re all set.
Pros: earns you some deep, uncharted respect; may very possibly get your dick wet.
Cons: the dude who works at your gym may recognize you and think you’re a legitimate pussy.
Method 4: The Derail n’ Nail-Their-Female Method
Retaliation for negative criticism is often extremely simple. If a hater pisses you off, you find their wife, girlfriend, sister, mother, etc. and nail them. There are plenty of great guides here on HoeSalad.com designed to strengthen your already natural seductiveness. If your hater’s important female doesn’t want to do it with you upon the very first glance, just talk sweetly to her and make her dinner. You know the drill!
Method Origin: the idea of “derailing” in this sense is indicative of you, my friend, totally breaking loose and figuratively skipping off the tracks that bind you down to just resort to vengeful sex. To keep with the cutesy train theme, picture a rail spike being nailed into a track. It’s a lovely metaphor.
Pros: sates your overactive libido (gets your dick wet for sure); often times the most offensive and effective revenge.
Cons: the hater could try to literally kill you.
Method 5: The Physical Altercation Method
This method is the exact opposite of the Badass Hyena Method. If you’re sick and tired of some punkhole criticizing you, you find them and throw down. If you follow a strict physical regimen of any sort, you are already one step ahead of most haters, who do nothing but exercise their pathetic jaw muscles. Though Shakespeare said that “the pen is mightier than the sword,” he would think twice if you said his plays were total shit and probably come at you with a swift right hook. After tussling with the hater, be sure you don’t get caught by the authorities in any way, especially because most haters are cowards who will turn you in. It always helps to beat their ass in an alley as opposed to an open street corner. You could even try it in my personal favorite location: a sound proof room. There are no windows for others to look through, and no one can hear the asshole scream! Post-beatdown verbal threats are always a decent way to ensure they don’t tattle to the fuzz.
Method Origin: the premise to this idea is pretty simple. By attacking with your fists, you are immediately including yourself in a physical altercation with the hater. Though sometimes bluntly effective, this method is not always the best route to take, considering there are legal risks involved, and you don’t want that. Be sure to consider other methods before resorting to this one.
Pros: often shuts them up for good; makes you look and feel stronger; endorsed by Russell Crowe.
Cons: many legal risks; often seems too obvious or too easy of a defense.
…so there you have it! I only advise you to choose your method(s) wisely. Just remember that nobody can really get you down, as long as you have Internet access, because the HoeSalad Team is always there for you. In a man’s world, all the men should help their fellow men.
Make sure you read my movie reviews, too, because I don’t want to seem like a pussy if all you read by me is this motivational shit.
Your eternal bro,